Mascots:.

This is a column I wrote a while ago for the MU Student News. I still consider it to be one of my silliest (and best) columns. Unlike many of my more inflammatory columns, this one got no hate mail.

While I don’t have a definitive answer for any of these questions, I do have an answer to the question “which is the best possible mascot for a sports team or university to be nicknamed?”

Pirates. (Or some form therein)

“Pirates?” you ask. Yep. Pirates. Pirates are a great mascot because they are very fierce, they are somewhat original, and they don’t really offend anyone.

The originality of the mascot is pretty important in a team nickname. How many teams in sports are named the Tigers? Among colleges and universities, there are over 30 schools nicknamed “the Tigers.” Granted, there is more than one different name for pirates (the Idaho Vandals and the Texas Tech Red Raiders, for example), but at least there are fewer than 30.

Ferocity is important in a mascot. As much as I think the “padres” is a good name for a baseball team, is anyone really scared of playing a team full of friars? I’m not. They’re not going to beat you, they’re going to grow peas or write books or something. But, the Pittsburgh pirates, they will maul you. They’ve got peg legs, parrots, eye patches and lots of guns and boats and things to mess you up. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather play football against a Miami Dolphin than an Oakland Raider or a Tampa bay Buccaneer. While the Dolphin may be the smartest water mammal, a Raider has a hook. Dolphins don’t even have opposable thumbs.

The final reason that pirates are great as mascots is that they don’t offend anyone. If there were bigger population of Native Americans in this country (you know, if Andrew Jackson and Co. hadn’t killed so many of them), they would be outraged at the absolute offensiveness of some of the logos of these teams. Take, for example, the Cleveland Indians. While I understand that the name is something of a tradition, the logo has got to go. It’s a cartoon of a (literal) red-faced Indian with a single feather in his hair with a gigantic goofy smile upon his face. Tony Kornheiser, a columnist for the Washington Post and ESPN radio show host thinks the Washington Redskins should have a potato for their mascot. I agree, their mascot is blatantly offensive. Would it be okay if Chicago had an expansion franchise of some sort called the “Blackies” with an old cartoon of Stepinfetchit from Amos and Andy, in full blackface? I think the African-American community would be a bit offended by this, and they would have every right to be.

Portrayals of Buccaneers swashbuckling, on the other hand, won’t offend pirates, carrying swords and wearing eye patches. Why? Pirates don’t really exist anymore. I think the navy has taken care of whoever wants to pillage towns and take out ships. And we thank them for that.